feelings…lovely feelings…

I haven’t tried very hard to be productive lately.  Oh, I’ve thrown in plenty of loads of laundry and done all the dishes, but my attention is most definitely side-tracked.

I’m wrapped up in home videos.

We don’t have our movie clips on DVD, so I go the longest stretches without seeing them.  This includes pictures too, actually.  I don’t have photo albums.  So much time will pass until I’m just aching to see my babies from their early years, and that’s the point I hit yesterday when I scavenged up the discs and became a workstation-chair-potato (my laptop can’t be used as such anymore with a toddler banging on the keys and pulling on the cord.  My battery is shot so it has to be plugged in.  My sewing table is my new laptop desk). 

I can hardly sort through the vast emotions that course through me as I watch these movies.  Ultimately, I am reminded of how blessed I am.  I have FOUR beautiful children–unique, yet similar in ways, sweet, funny, and just plain precious.

As I watch, I think of how much I’ve changed.  So have they.  It’s lovely to see growth, but it hurts to see the mistakes.

Mistakes?  Oh, yes…like when I’m so involved with one child that I mistakenly ignore another (who happens to be so sweet and interested in being validated by me).  Or, when one child misbehaves on camera and nothing is done about it.

Mostly, though, I am reminded of how precious TIME is.  It’s fleeting.  As far as technology has come, there’s yet to be invented a pause button for time.  I’d love to rewind for a few minutes and play dollies with my daughter.  I’m not too busy–I’d make time in a heart beat.  Could I have always said that, in the past?  😦

But, such is the way with hindsight.  That’s why I like reflection.  That’s why I appreciate writing.  It helps me be a bit more conscientious (or to use current terminology, to “live intentionally”). 

My main struggle in life is such a minor one.  I aim to “get done” things (like clean the house) and am tempted to be frustrated by obstacles to my goals (like a toddler who won’t nap).  If I sound like I’m repeatedly complaining–shame on me.  I do realize (I promise!) that this is such a small inconvenience.  I have far more to be grateful about than I ever deserved or could have asked for. 

As much as I can lose sight of that from time to time and wish for unattainable, unnecessary things, all I TRULY want is: time to enjoy my family, share God’s word with them, grow in God’s love with them, and spend eternity with them.

That being said, the best Christmas gift I think I could get would be DVDs of these movies.  I’d love to be able to pop them in and have them playing–often–so that the kids, too, can see for themselves how much they’ve grown and have appreciation for the life they’ve walked thus far.  I don’t mind if I have to make the DVDs myself.  If I can’t get them done by the end of the year, I think it’ll have to be a New Year’s resolution.

Watching those snippets of days gone by teaches me–fills me with appreciation–and makes me fall in love with my family all over again.  Thank you for them, Lord.  Help me show them each day how precious I find them–how dear they are to my heart.

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