I’ve been preparing myself for this phase of life for months. Truthfully, I’ve been dreading it ever since Christmas break when Kevin built Olivia a closet and warned me that in the summer we’d empty out her room, pull up the carpet, and get the hardwood refinished. Then–why not?–over spring break he built a closet for the boys and the entryway. More places to empty and sand.
I wanted to be calm and low key. I wanted to be flexible and enjoy the chaos. Instead, I spent half of Friday night awake due to something going on with Chad, and I’ve been battling a serious case of grouchiness ever since. The visual clutter EVERYWHERE makes me feel mentally cluttered and bombarded. But–hey. I knew this was coming.
Then I found out yesterday that I needed to play for a funeral tomorrow. I’ve only played for one funeral before and it was in my pre-kid days. So, it’s been a while. I’ve been feeling so stressed out, unable to make decisions, and not being productive with the bits of practice time I’ve carved out. I’ve been feeling like this is the worst possible timing. After all, someone’s life is being remembered…and it’s IMPORTANT to the family and friends. I don’t want to be up there disrespectfully playing sour notes. I’ve been frustrated and dreading tomorrow.
I came home from my afternoon practice session (which was unfortunately unproductive) and told the kids to help me fix sandwiches and then we were going off to find a new park. It was a warm day, so I grabbed spray bottles to spritz them off so we’d last longer. No one else was at this park, and it was a fun time until JJ had to go to the bathroom and there wasn’t even a port-o-potty there.
Off we drove to a different park (with “facilities”) and wound up sticking around for another hour. It did me good to be with my family and have some fun. There have been a lot of days of projects lately, and not much fun together time.
Then, my family dropped me off at home and ran an errand while I pulled out piano books. I found my way over to school to run page turn copies and sat down at a classroom piano to practice so that I wouldn’t be distracted when my family got back (or keep them up with my practicing).
It turns out that God knew what he was doing when I got asked to play for this funeral.
I should have known.
You see, as I sat there playing these beautiful hymn compositions, trying to do the music justice with my feeble fingers, the words of the verses came to mind and peace came along with it.
Why do I doubt? Why do I forget to look to HIM for strength?
Yup, I probably will make some sour notes tomorrow. Even when I’ve practiced a bunch, it can still happen. I have gotten very little practice time, so I should expect it. But I’m not dreading it anymore. We have all these gorgeous melodies with amazing reminders set to them! Like, for instance, “Do Not Let Your Hearts be Troubled”, which I posted the other day…those scripture verses happen to be one of the readings for the funeral tomorrow. Coincidence? I think not.
So, Lord, thank you for this opportunity to serve you tomorrow by assisting with the music at church. Please bless my playing so that it is not a distraction, but rather that hearts are directed towards you. I am not there to put on a show, after all. Thank you for also using the music to direct my heart and mind toward you!
Sanding dust will be flying at my house while I’m gone to church, and Kevin will be stuck in said very messy house with four very busy children…but I’m just so amazingly calm about it right now (as opposed to a couple hours ago) that I can only be…amazed. God is bigger than all that (and then some). 🙂